The fact that you're asking this question is already meaningful. People who are genuinely and solely the problem in their relationships rarely ask it with this level of seriousness. They tend to be quite certain they're not the problem. So the self-doubt itself is worth examining — not because it proves you're blameless, but because it tells you something about how you're operating in this relationship.
Everyone contributes something to relationship dynamics
Honest answer: in most relationships, both people contribute to the patterns. That's not a both-sides argument — it's just how relational dynamics work. The way you respond to your partner's behavior shapes their behavior, which shapes yours, which shapes theirs. Cycles form. Some of your contributions to those cycles might be things worth working on.
But there's a difference between contributing to a dynamic and being "the problem." The latter implies the relationship would be fine if only you were different. That's almost never true, and it's worth being skeptical of any framing that puts all the responsibility in one place.
The question to ask instead
Instead of "am I the problem," try asking: am I able to raise concerns in this relationship and have them genuinely heard? That question is more useful because it points to the actual mechanism — whether the relationship has the capacity for mutual accountability — rather than assigning blame to a single person.
In a healthy relationship, both people can bring things up, both people can be wrong, and accountability flows in both directions. If you're the only one asking "am I the problem" — if the question only ever points at you — that asymmetry is worth noticing.
When this question is a symptom
People who have been in emotionally harmful relationships often arrive at this question not because they've done a balanced self-assessment, but because they've been told — directly or indirectly, repeatedly over time — that they are the source of most problems. If your partner consistently positions themselves as responding to your flaws rather than acting on their own, if your confidence in your own judgment has been eroding, if you find yourself apologizing constantly for things you're not sure you actually did wrong — that pattern is a signal.
In that context, "am I the problem" isn't a neutral self-inquiry. It's often the internalized voice of someone who has been systematically made to feel that way.
How to get an honest answer
Therapy — particularly individual therapy — is one of the most reliable ways to find out. Not because a therapist will validate everything you do, but because a good therapist will hold up a clear mirror. They'll help you see where you're contributing to dynamics in ways you might not be aware of, and they'll also help you see when the weight you're carrying isn't actually yours.
The goal isn't to find out you're perfect. It's to find out what's true.